you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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