Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You left your phone here
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