First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
