I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
