I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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