I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
