how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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