i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
