everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
