there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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