The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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