ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Randomize
