Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
