That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
