not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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