Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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