when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We talked him into tasing himself.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
