I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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