Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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