Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
