Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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