haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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