after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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