There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
