i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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