I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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