Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
