I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
