A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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