I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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