I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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