I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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