My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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