I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
