whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
