True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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