Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
