I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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