I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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