Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
