Soap is not a condiment
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
