You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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