You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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