so explain again why im purple
no
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
