I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I touched a dick in church today
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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