i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
