pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
