god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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