Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
