In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
How naked do you want me to be?
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