Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
MIDGETS
????
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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