Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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