I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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