Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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