This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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