I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
